Being Real 6

Women in abusive relationships won't leave until they have had enough. Sorry to say that can be 20 years or 2 years or after the first slap. ONLY SHE CAN DECIDE WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Only she can decide how small she wants to be. How small she wants to stay. For those of us watching and waiting, sooner rather than later would be good. It tears our hearts out to watch and wait. And pray. Pray that today is the day she says ENOUGH!!

To tell her that she deserved it or that you would have NEVER allowed that is really not helpful nor is asking her, "What the hell were you thinking?!" Or flippantly saying, "Just get over it." Or simply walking away as her struggle is too much for you. She needs your help and support. IMHO emotional abuse hurts more than physical abuse. Bruises fade. If a woman does not seek help she will continue her cycle of finding men who confirm what she already believes about herself. From one abusive man to the next. The help I am talking about is not secular counseling. It is the deep and abiding Truth of Biblical counsel that changes the heart.

I still struggle with PTSD(for lack of a more Biblical term)from those days. My family knows not to jump out at me or shout my name. Any loud noise makes me jump sky high. My heart races. I gasp for air. I am hyper vigilant in the world. Always watching. I take deep breaths. I remind myself that I AM SAFE. I am with my loving husband and family.

I am a woman of trauma. Just a fact. Not my identity. I was told that if I wore a mask I was loving others when wearing a mask left me gasping. It brought on flashbacks of being strangled. Suffocating. Had my heart racing and tears running down my face. I tried my best by taking mask breaks and constant self talk but nobody seemed to care how much I struggled through it. I do love others. But my body remembers what happened to it. Our bodies remember trauma. Our bodies hold that trauma. Those memories all come to the surface and shame on those who never looked beyond the narrative to really SEE the women of trauma around me and with me. “Just wear the mask.” My heart is pounding as I type this.

I have some trust issues. (yathink?) I trust one man on God’s green earth. My husband Patrick.

God and I are still working at applying His Word to my past. Healing old wounds and memories. I memorize Scripture verses. I journal. I share what He has done!! For the rest of my life I will be grieving and healing. Embracing my freedom in Christ and healing on my journey home. I will be fully healed when I see His face.

The lies of satan will stay until they are smashed underneath the weight of truth. His truth.

2 Kings 20:5 He heals me.

1 Chronicles 28:8 I will pass on an inheritance.

Job 23:10 He knows the way I take.

Psalm 16:11 He gives me eternal pleasures at His right hand.

Psalm 21:6 He makes me glad with the joy of His presence.

Psalm 27:4 I will gaze upon the beauty of the Lord forever.

Psalm 27:10 He will never forsake me.

Psalm 34:18 He is near me.

Psalm 45:11 He is enthralled by my beauty.

Psalm 91:14 He rescues me.

Psalm 103:4 He crowns me with love and compassion.

Psalm 139:14 I am wonderfully made.

Proverbs 12:25 He cheers my heart.

Proverbs 15:4 I speak words of life to others.

Song of Songs 7:10 I belong to Him.

Isaiah 41:18 He makes my wilderness like Eden.

Isaiah 53:4 He bears my pain.

Isaiah 61:3 He gives me a crown of beauty instead of ashes.

Isaiah 61:10 He wraps me in a robe of righteousness.

Satan has tried to destroy me, through an abusive childhood, an abusive relationship and abortion. God did not allow that. He loves me too much. He has rescued me time and time again. From my sin and the sins of others. He will finish the work in me that He has started!! See what the Lord has done!!

From violent men you rescued me. 2 Samuel 22:49

He brought me out into a spacious place.

He rescued me because He delighted in me. Psalm 18:19

Being Real 5

Once home I immediately called the cops. I explained that I had just been beaten up and assaulted by my boyfriend. I asked for an officer to be there when I went back to Don's trailer. I had one more thing to get. It was my parent's microwave. I knew they would care more about that than about me. I would never hear the end of it if Don had it and they never got it back.

I drove to the trailer park and there was an officer there. This woman(at least I think she was a woman)barked at me, "I ain't here to babysit you two!" I told Don to get the microwave and put it in my car. Remember how big and heavy microwaves were 22 years ago?? He did and then said something to me. I pushed him away from me with all my might. The officer walked up to him and said, "Sir, would you like to press charges against this woman? I just witnessed her assault you."

Don looked thoughtful for a moment like he might just say yes and watch me be handcuffed and put into the police car and taken to jail. He smiled and laughed his evil laugh and said, "No."

I got into my car and the officer stated, "I should really take you in anyway for what you did." I told her that I had been beat up by this man. She stated, "Well, I wasn't a witness to that. But I did witness this." I said, "Thanks for nothing." and drove away.

I got completely drunk and in the morning my sister took pictures of my bruises. I went and filed a police report and nothing came of that. There were no witnesses they kept telling me. I was the witness! No big surprise I guess that there was no support for me.

I graduated from college with a degree in Elementary/Special Education!! I packed for the east coast and found a support group for abused women. I didn't like it. There were women being brutalized and they refused to leave and we all sat there while the counselor said, "How do you feel about that?"

I left the midwest for my nanny job and felt FREE AT LAST! But the past pain and trauma needed to be dealt with. I bought several books on abusive relationships. I basically found my identity in being a victim. I read and journaled and really wish I could say that I turned to God. But I didn’t. I turned back to what I knew. Drinking and partying and spending money on trips to the mall and New York City! I was still a mess but I was no longer being abused.

My younger sister worked with Don and must have heard day after day how much he loved me and missed me. She GAVE HIM MY ADDRESS and he sent me roses on my birthday. ???!!! I made a million rose bits and threw them away.

I was out east for for a least a year. By then the little family had grown by two twin boys! I wanted to get back to the midwest and teach! I wanted to meet someone and be in a long term relationship. I wanted love.

Don called the minute I got home from the east to see if he could come over.(My sister must have told him I was back) I said sure. I had mace in one pocket and a knife in the other and no feelings at all for him. He yapped for awhile and then his sister showed up and yelled, "Don, what the hell are you doing here??!!"

I smiled and laughed as he walked away.

Being Real 6

Being Real 4

Don was working a long shift one day and I was watching tv. I had all of the paperwork ready to go for my nanny job. I was done student teaching and ready to graduate and I was thinking. My mind wandered to my present circumstances. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand him. I couldn't bear to be with him another minute and pretend that we were in love and all was well. In my mind I pictured what a future with Don might look like. Him coming home from work demanding a beer and smacking me around because supper wasn't ready. I pictured two little ones on the floor and how he would most likely abuse them as well. I heard an audible voice say to me, "You don't deserve this."

I turned off the tv. I stood up and started packing. I knew Don wouldn't be home until later that night and I would already be gone. I had packed quite a bit when I heard him walk through the door. He was so excited to see me. That quickly changed after he asked what I was doing and I told him I was moving out.(My folks said I could move back in)I knew this was not going to go well. I didn't care because I WAS DONE!

He flew into a total rage and began to break my stuff and throw it around the trailer. I continued to grab what I could as things shattered and splintered around me. Not sure why I thought my crap was so valuable that I needed it. Should have just run to my car. Didn't. He kicked chairs and slammed doors and yelled at the top of his lungs. He pushed me into walls and pulled my hair and spit in my face. He noticed I left his pile of cards and love notes on the floor. I had no use for them.(I suppose I could have saved them for a Donfire)He pushed me down and got on top of me and yelled, "I'm going to rape you and get you pregnant and you will never be rid of me!" I froze. I looked into the eyes of evil and pretended I wasn't there. I did see myself from above. Like a fly on the wall I was watching what was happening and still wondering WHAT WAS I DOING HERE?? He undid his pants and yelled, "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!" I was still frozen. In fear. I couldn’t move. If he didn't kill me I WAS LEAVING! He got off. He pushed me and spit in my face. I got up and ran out of the trailer and drove home.

Being Real 5

Being Real 3

I began applying to nanny agencies. I wanted out. I wanted away. I wanted the east coast. Just having that dream out there that maybe I could be free kept me going.

I walked into the classroom one day with tears running down my face. I couldn't take the lewd comments by the construction crew. The classroom teacher marched me right down to the principal's office where he listened to my story. His brows knitted, his jaw clenched and with a look of determination he told me he would take care of it. And he did! He sat the crew down and told them in no uncertain terms what would happen to them and their jobs if they so much as looked at me or uttered one more disgusting comment. He did that! He said that! He made it stop! My heart was lifted that someone thought enough of me to come to my defense. That principal was the first man in my life to do so.

I continued to document all of the physical abuse of vulnerable mentally challenged students at school and when my student teaching was over I sat down with the principal and my supervisor. I handed over reams of notes and that was that. The aid in that room reached out to me and thanked me. She said, “I have prayed for 15 years that an angel would come into this classroom and report it!” I replied, “You watched this go on for 15 years and did nothing? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO REPORT IT!” This teacher was ordered to take a "human relations" course and transferred to a new school.

I quit the job at the clothing store. I told my boss that I didn't steal the jewelry, that I didn't know the couple who did, and I wouldn't work where I was treated like I was guilty of something I didn't do. I also advised him to call the cops on me if he was so sure about my involvement. Buhbye.

I interviewed with a nanny agency and was given several choices of families that I might work for. I wanted to watch one child around the age of 2 or 3 and be part of a family. I wanted to be paid well, drive my own car, have insurance and vacations and see the sights! After several interviews with families that had 3 boys or wanted me to be a house keeper or pool cleaner I was called about a potential family that sounded perfect for me. I interviewed with them and they offered me a job! I felt hopeful for the first time in a long time. A mom, a dad and an adorable 2 year old girl.

I wanted out of the trailer park I was living in. I wanted out of the relationship with Don but wasn't sure when that was going to happen.

Being Real 4

Being Real 2

I began student teaching 4th grade in the fall of 1988. I fell in love with every child and adored learning how to teach. I felt empowered. Like I really was someone. Like I could be someone. I really wanted to be someone.

I was so far from God. I believed He wasn't interested. He couldn’t care less about me. He was close to folks that deserved His love. I did not. I began to sense a great darkness in my life. A heaviness that I could not shake. I lived in a Frank Peretti town in MN. There seemed to be a presence there. I was being abused by my fiance. After 4th grade I began student teaching for Special Education. The teacher I was supposed to be learning from physically abused the students. I was sexually harrassed daily by the construction crew working on the elementary school. I worked at a clothing store ALONE and one night a couple came in. She kept me talking while he cleaned out the jewelry case. I was blamed for it. All of these things made me feel very lost indeed.

The violence escalated in my relationship. I HAD ALREADY INDICATED BY MY STAYING THAT I WOULD TOLERATE IT. I was punched, slapped, kicked, pushed, tripped, had my hair pulled and was spit on by Don. The one who professed to “love” me. The engagement ring meant nothing as he constantly asked for it back. He was always so sorry and thus would begin the next honeymoon period. The good times were great, the bad times were horrifying. I believed every ugly thing Don said about me. I believed all of those lies about my worth. It didn't really matter to me anymore. I didn't argue, I didn't fight, I just took it. I resigned myself to it.

I told my parents about what was going on after Don and I broke up. AGAIN. They told me I probably deserved it. Yeah. I didn’t expect much more than that. When Don and I got back together my parents kicked me out. I moved in with him as I had nowhere else to go. One night he choked me with both hands on my neck. He tightened his grip and as I struggled to breathe I looked into his eyes. Pure evil. I really did think that this was it. I was going to suffocate. I was going to be killed by this man. He continued to choke me. I could not breathe. I stopped struggling and waited to pass out. He let go, laughed in my face and asked for the ring back. I gave it to him and left. I looked into the kitchen as I walked out and saw 3 guys snorting coke at the table.

I didn't just want to survive my life. But that is all I had ever done. That is all I knew. Survival. Deep down I really wanted to live a happy life. How? When? What in the world was I doing with this man?! I began to plot my escape. I had always wanted to be a nanny. I talked it over with Don and told him I was going to be a nanny for a year after I graduated from college in the spring of 1989. He seemed fine with that because I told him I would come back to him and we would get married. But I had no intention of that.

Being Real 3

Being Real 1

UPDATED MARCH 2022

Someone out there needs to read this. Someone out there is in a physically abusive relationship. Like I once was. And I will share that story here. I wrote it out in 2011. The Bible does not use the word abusive btw. The Bible calls it oppression.

Please know that I am praying for you. Praying you OUT!!

I met him the summer of 1987. My younger sister introduced us. I was home from college and wanted to party. He was tough with tattoos and a wild side. I will call him Don. I remember just hanging out and having fun and getting drunk. I headed back to school and we decided to have a long distance relationship for my senior year of college. You know. Letters, phone calls and seeing each other at Christmas. I don't really remember when the abuse started. I know that it was very subtle at first. Don would get upset about little things that one needn't get all that upset about. He punched a wall next to my head and stated that he did it cause he felt like punching me. There was a lot of yelling, door slamming, fist pounding and hanging up on me when we talked on the phone. He used the silent treatment and consistently pointed out how wrong I was about everything. I remember once we were walking into a Twins game and he squeezed my hand so hard I thought my fingers would break. I ignored, overlooked and made excuses for all of it. I was called every despicable name there is. Dumb C. Effin B. I can't recall him ever using the name Carla. I was what he said I was. I began to suspect he was into drugs but he denied it. As we talked about "love" and our future together he wanted more and more control over my life. He wanted to know where I was, who I was with, when I would be home. He didn't like me going out with friends and constantly accused me of seeing someone behind his back. After a huge fight once I went out of town for the weekend. I came back to hear how sorry he was. How he would never hurt me again. He produced a ring and asked me to marry him. I said yes. I remember hugging him and wishing I felt happy or excited.

Being Real 2