Wednesday, December 24, 2014

2014 Christmas Form Letter

I just did this. I just wrote one of these.  I swear I did. Well I try not to swear but sometimes I let one slip.

So it is time for the Stream Form Letter of Christmas Sarcasm.

In the year of our Lord 2014 the time is upon us once again to tell you how perfect and wonderful and beautiful we are.

Patrick is busy.  Being daddy, Biblical Counseling and elder apprenticing.  Wow.  I find him shaking his head a lot when doing the daddy thing.  Could be the kids. Nahhhhh.  They are perfect. The kettlebells are swinging every morning for Mr. Stream. We celebrated 20 years of marriage this year and 24 years of friendship. Beautiful.

Carla is trying to get a grip on her health.  She had quite a summer. Hypothyroidism, adrenal fatigue and severe anemia. Oh my!  She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes though so LOOK OUT! Carla counsels with her husband, tries to keep up with kidlets, is a substitute teacher and election official.  She shot her first gun last week! BAM!  Oh and roars her terrible roar against abortion. She wonders what she will be when she grows up. Wonderful.

Joshua. Oh boy. That boy. 17. A junior.  He is still washing dishes at Mama Maria's. His work clothes smell so bad mom usually throws them outside. He has a license and a car. There's your warning.  You're welcome. He will be going on a mission trip to Haiti in June. Mom stayed in denial until the VISA arrived! My baby! As eldest he still enjoys torturing the youngers. Perfect.

Sarah is a freshman.  The girl LOVES school.  Always has. She goes to school with young men that have beards.  Crazy. Sarah has been called quite a lot to babysit.  I have instructed her to CLEAN THEIR HOUSES! Even though I have to beg her to CLEAN HER ROOM the parents appreciate it very much.  We will not mention the boys that have asked her out. Perfect.

Nathan grew 4 inches over the summer.  Dude. Last year of elementary school. Loving Roblox and Jesus. He lost his beloved pet gerbil Ricky last month.  Tough stuff. The wrestling between Natedog and his brother Tim is NONSTOP.  Mommy knows boys will be boys but "he sat on my head, he licked my tongue, he slapped my butt, he farted in my face" gets old. Wonderful.

Tim. I should just leave it at that. When Tim turned 3 I lamented to a friend, "I am not going to make it with this kid!" So I have made it 6 years longer than I thought I would.  Tim Nonstop Stream. He lost his beloved pet gerbil Nibbles months ago.  Both gerbils are still in the freezer awaiting burial arrangements.  Tim can usually be found opening the freezer door and saying, "Bye Nibbles. I love you. I gotta go to school now." Beautiful.

Griffen the cat is 15. That seems old but I have been assured that cats live to be 1,000. So he's really just a kitten. Wonderful.

Just to reiterate.  Perfect. Wonderful. Beautiful.


The Ghost of Christmas Sarcasm Past Form Letters

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