I haven't seen my parents in almost 20 years. I haven’t seen my sisters in maybe 10. We tried to reconcile but that went the way I thought it would. There were horrible accusations and straight up lies and yelling at me in rage. They do not know Jesus so they are continuing the abuse into the next generation. They bring abusive men into their lives. The patterns of behavior and sin haven’t changed.
I turn to Christ, my husband, my children and my friends for what I need. I have Patrick's mom and sister and her family. God has sent amazing people in my life to stand in the gap. We have attended Faith Community Church here in Hudson for almost 27 years. The people that I know and love from FCC are family to me. They have been there through so much with The Streams and I turn to them for many of things I would have turned to my parents or sisters for. I wrote letters to several women after the birth of my last two children. I told them I needed them. Needed them to come over and hold my little ones and tell me that they were beautiful. Tell me that they were proud of me. The words I wanted from my mom. And so they did. My friends are my family. They pray with me. They encourage me and inspire me. They walk with me on the journey home.
I had to want to heal. I had to choose to heal.
There were very dark nights of the soul where I cried out to God, “Please don’t leave me this way!” And He hasn’t. He will continue the work in me that He started. He brings painful memories to me when I am ready to work through them. Like the sexual assault that I remembered last month. He and I apply His Word to my life. I will feel the feelings. I allow them to lead me to Him. I journal. I pray that I do not sin in the anger of my grief. And if I do I humble myself and repent. I have a husband who holds me as I cry. He listens as I process.
I can’t afford to NOT CHANGE. I am wholly and completely committed. I will do whatever it takes. I will do the hard things with His help and FACE INTO IT! There are generations that are depending on my healing. I will cling to the hem of His garment. He continues to redeem my pain, He restores my wasted years, He continues to lead hurting women to me that face what I have been through. I will grieve the family that I wanted. It has ALL been for my good and for His glory!
My children will NEVER know what I have known as a child. They have NEVER lived what I have lived. God has helped me be the mother that I wanted for myself. He has changed my heart and taken my little and made it much. Their children will have grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. A legacy of His love.
If you are in a season of anguish over family and your past please know I am praying for you. If you are a woman of trauma I am praying for you. I am so sorry. It hurts to know that you are hurting. There comes a time when some of us must make very difficult decisions about our families and those we allow into our lives. I will be praying you can find the strength in Christ to change. I pray that you find some trusted friends to share what you have been through. I pray they LISTEN. REALLY LISTEN by being silent and not offer trite sayings and unsolicited advice. I pray you feel His peace and purpose as you seek Him.
Though my mother and father forsake me the Lord will receive me.
Psalm 27:10
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5
I waited patiently for the LORD ; And he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. Psalm 40:1-2
But God being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved me, even when I was dead in my trespasses, made me alive together with Christ-BY GRACE I HAVE BEEN SAVED!! Ephesians 2:4-5
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17 comments:
Carla, I have been blessed to be one of the ones in your life, to stare at your babies, and pray with you. I have been blessed to be one you call family. I love you very much my friendforever.
Oh, and shut UP! (sarcasm dose)
You are a blessing to me, my sweet Kristifriend!!
Shut me up.
Dear Carla,
Just read all of your posts for the week in one fell swoop. You are a sweet heart. Thank you for sharing - especially about "boundaries". I've read some books on the topic and I think everyone should - especially those from disfunctional families (and, IMHO, we all are to a degree.) Cloud and Townsend are good authors.
What a blessing to have Pat and your children. I cherish our online friendship so much. I am a better person for knowing you. God bless.
Yea, Janet's second paragraph.
Janet,
I heart the phrase "in one fell swoop!" :) You are a blessing to me!
I have scads of books as resources that I could list. Boundaries is one of them.
Karla with a K,
Love you, girl!
I love you.
i haven't been here for so long, but just came by and read this. i know why i came by today. i am living this pain with family. i started reading Boundries a year ago, and it started transforming my life, giving me permission to have boundries with the parents and sibling that have hurt me so much. misunderstood is a good word. i am told i am selfish and self-centered because i am raising a healthy family with a God-fearing man by my side.
sorry...babbling. but i was so encouraged by this. Christmas is by far the hardest time for me. i don't think the ppl in my church know just how much some of us consider them family. it is all we have.
i was told a year ago that i need to "divorce" my family of origin. easier said than done. but i am now seeing that all of my interactions with them leave me wounded. boundries. yep. they hurt, but are needed.
thank you for sharing so much. it really helped.
Dearest Nettie York,
I am so sorry but am so glad you are setting up some boundaries!! I was called crazy, too sensitive, a freak and on and on it went.
I will be praying for you!!!
Wow - I think you are a wonderful Mom to your children. I also decided AFTER my husband died that I would LOVE my children much more than I ever was ... that they would be raised differently b'c of the violence in my own family.
I don't have contact with my sis or her family or my brother. No one wants to talk anymore ... and I'm too worn out to make much more of an effort.
I have not ever (shock) sent Christmas cards to them this year - which traditionally I would do - my sis usually sends the Christmas card thru email and my brother never does anything ... but I lean on the Lord very much at times like these ....
God bless you and so good to see you standing strong and loving your children so well. Children definitely live what they learn ...
I love you, Erin.
Bevy,
Everyday is another chance to draw closer to Him and closer to our children.
It has been an honor to watch God redeem the pain. Your story is God's story of his involvement and love in your life. I pray that we keep moving through the pain to him. I love you Babe!
Carla,
I love you. We have never met in person, but you are my friend, and I have such a deep respect for you.
Thank you for sharing your story here, you courageous daughter of the King!
I love you too, Kel!
I love you and your whole happy family, and I love the way that you have shown me that you don't have to be related to someone to be family. I know that we don't speak often but your family, your children bring such joy to my mother and I don't know that many people appreciate how much that means to her and to me.
Thank you for you.
My most favorite trail forger Hannah,
I love you sweet girl. I love that we try to catch up when we do get together. You are very special to me!
Oh, and I love that you love me and my family!
I am a stranger to you as I just stumbled across your blog and found myself both riveted and relating, quite remarkably. I, too, write a blog and it has been a tool of healing for me and I'm sure for you as well.
Our childhood stories are eerily similar. Especially regarding our mothers. My dad became an alcoholic to cope with living with her and his own helplessness.
When I realized that I was strong enough (depending entirely upon God) to take a stand and keep what had been my legacy from affecting my children, I, too, stepped away from the abuse and made a different path. Not a very popular decision.
When I read your words about folks reminding you to honor your parents, I about fell on the floor. My parents were well known in the community--especially the church community and well-meaning folks LOVED to throw that verse at me. My response was to say that the best way I could honor my parents was to live a life that pleased God. But, it still hurts when folks don't understand--or don't want to.
Anyway, wow, that turned into a very long comment. Just wanted to give you a virtual hug and tell you that I survived as well. My story has some more twists involving the death of both of my parents that is on my blog (kirkseysoutside.wordpress.com). But, dramatizing was not my intention. Just relating.
Thanks for your courage and honesty. Though I have no real place in your life to say these words, I'm proud of you for standing for what is right and protecting your children.
God bless you Kirksey family!!
I am thankful that you were led here to read my story and also very proud of you for moving away from that darkness toward the light of healing for yourself and your family!
You made my day yesterday. You made writing it out so worth it to me.
For my good. For His glory!!
Thank you.
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