I was willing to work things out after the wedding. Which looked like me apologizing for everything in an effort to keep them in my life. Sigh. I seriously began to question WHY I would want them in my life.
I thought maybe when I had children my mom and I might bond a bit. Joshua was born and my mom did step up to be an amazing grandma. It was fun to watch her love him up and invite us over more so she could see him. Our relationship remained the same. I wanted her to tell me how proud she was of me!! I wanted her to sit and stare at my son in wonder and tell me what an amazing mom I would be!! I wanted her to have the same joy for me that she had for Joshua.
The beginning of the end I think came when I was in labor with our second child, Sarah. My mom wanted to help me through some contractions so Patrick went out for a break. She sat next to me and rubbed my back and told me to get ready for a really big one! I couldn't comprehend why she wanted to be with me at such an intimate moment. Her touch was so confusing for me. I didn’t like it. At all. In my intense pain I felt vulnerable and only wanted my Patrick. I asked for him to come back and I think that might have really hurt her feelings.
She enjoyed my two little ones! I enjoyed that! Holidays were still really hard, especially Christmas. It became so stressful with the shame, and condemnation. There was constant questioning from my sisters about how much Joshua ate and why I let Sarah cry for a few minutes and settle herself down for naps and why in the world would I have a breastfeeding routine?? My younger sister threatened to call social services because I didn't demand feed like she did. I taught my little ones baby signs. More, ball, book, please, thank you etc. My sisters told me how wrong I was to teach them to communicate. Because they weren’t deaf and I was teaching them to sign they figured they would never talk. ha
Our parenting skills were under constant scrutiny.
Patrick and I began to talk about what holidays would be like without them and how it would look to begin our own family traditions. We fantasized about a Stream Family Christmas. We wanted to focus on changing our legacy and working on our marriage, instead of chasing them for what they could not give. I had tried everything I could think of to keep the peace and stay and take whatever they dished out and I really did want to shine His light. It began to be a constant strain on my young family. Patrick told me that I had done the best I could, that I was trying to be the best daughter I could be, that it was ok to have thoughts of letting them go, that my feelings were valid. He wanted what was best for his wife and children. So did I.
Christmas Day 2001 began the usual way. Constant put downs, inappropriate comments and inch deep conversations with everyone trying to one up each other. My brothers in law got drunk and started gearing up for a fist fight. They actually squared off on each other in the living room. My sister called me a bitch right in front of Joshua who was 4 years old. Glad tidings. We left to the shouts of, "Have a Happy New Year!" In the car I started crying. I looked at my husband and said, “Please tell me I never have to do this again.” He said, “You never have to do this again, Carla.”
In May of 2002 I was invited to my older sister's wedding reception. I hadn't talked to them since Christmas so I was rather surprised. I knew this would be the last time I saw them. No angry lashing out, no swearing, no name calling, no big yelling match, no threats to keep the grandkids away. I would stop pursuing them as I knew they would not pursue me.
Post Series:
5 comments:
Gosh Carla. #3 left me speechless. And this - you know, the healthier choice, but still so painful. This makes me want to hug each of my kids and tell them how special they are.
You know, I'm at a similar cross roads with some of my family right now. This helps me to see it more clearly. I do not want to lose the relationship, but I am not going to go on as it has been. My family and our happiness comes first. I won't be the baggage drop zone anymore.
Praying for you =)
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life Carla. I love you.
Karla,
Please hug all of your children and tell them how special they are. I will do the same.
Naomi,
You are welcome. I love you.
This is why you need an Internet family of strangers who you can get rid of with a push of a button. Also, in cyberspace we cannot use our fists, so we are constrained to use reason and logical arguments. Putdowns, inappropriate comments and inch deep conversations never occur. Ask any blog moderator and she or he will confirm this.
Now hurry up and get Timmers borned so that you can write Being Cute Part 1.
(((((Carla))))
These were all key shifts in the relationship with them. I still remember the look on your Mom's face at Sarah's birth (I felt bad for her), but I wished she would have been happy for you. I also remember at Christmas, getting into the car, and both of us letting our a big sigh...we knew that was the last time. And, the wedding, it was actually a very peaceful departing from them. I had a feeling.
I am so glad it was you and I who walked out together, united.
Post a Comment