I want to thank you for all of your comments. They mean so much to me.
Pressing on....
Pat and I told everyone that we were pregnant. We were more than happy. We were walking on sunshine. When I was about 10 weeks along I started to bleed and had an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. The Dr. I was seeing must have gotten straight A's in her How To Be Heartless classes. She was simply not concerned in the least. I was wasting her time. She asked me what I was going to do. What?! She asked me if I wanted a D & C. If that was a drug, give me some. As she walked out of the room she flippantly stated, "Oh, you'll pass a plumsized clot." HHHMMMMM That is so not what happened. I went into labor. I had contractions and was simply not prepared to deliver our baby in my hand. I remember screaming, "My baby! My baby! My baby!" Pat wanted to help his wife, but didn't know how. Who kept screaming?! I looked hard at my child wanting to memorize everything, take a photo with my brain. Tiny feet with tiny toes, hands, fingers, arms and legs, a tiny rump and a sweet little face. And then it hit me. Oh, dear Lord! I was this far along before my abortion! I had killed one, such as this?! A tiny unborn baby?! There was absolutely no denying the humanity of this precious child! Nothing like truth slapping you upside the head. I finally understood. I got it.
Weeks later I received a call from the hospital to set up my next OB/GYN appointment. I screamed, "MY BABY DIED!!!!!" And I SLAMMED the receiver down as hard as I could.
This was the first in a series of events that led me down a path of repentance. My pastor mentioned abortion now and again. I thought I might throw up when he did. How could I reconcile what I thought was "my choice" and the faith that I claimed I now had? I could not. I made an appointment with my pastor because he seemed like someone that might know the truth. I was believe lies. The lie that God would never forgive me. And the lie that my miscarriage was punishment for my abortion. I repented and asked Him to forgive me for what I had done. I repented for ALL of my self destructive sinful behavior that led up to to my abortion. I curled up in a ball in His lap and cried. I whispered, "Help me, please. I don't know what to do." He heard me. I finally found The One. The only One who could remove my wet blanket of shame and bring me out into the light. His name is Jesus.
Being Real 6
8 comments:
Let me join the chorus of "thank yous" for having the courage to publicize your heart. But more than that, for directing the reader to the Cure. Your experiences, your gift with words, and your openness are tools for spreading the gospel of Christ. Thank you for using them.
Oh, keithslady! Where have you been keeping yourself? :) Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them very much.
Ah, I've been waiting for this part of the story!
That day was a life changing, defining moment for us Babe. That day God peeled back a layer of our prideful, sinful hearts. I love you!
Carla, my friend and sister. These posts mean so much to me and I just want to thank you for your courage. That one was tough. I found it very hard to read and my heart cried for you--my eyes did too...
I love you my Karli.
I'm still thinking about that letter.
I almost never leave posts on people's blogs, but I just had to write and tell you that your transparency & humility are a blessing--to the heart of God & to me and many others as well. I love you. I feel privileged to walk through this life as one of your friends.
I'm so glad you found Him.
Wow. I cannot imagine what that must have been like. Thank you, again, for sharing your story. I like the "in His lap" visual, because that always helps me, too.
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