I assumed that all of those crying girls were just not as mature as I. After all, I was relieved and ready to get back to my life. That is what I was told would happen. I believe the relief came from leaving that Shop of Horrors without a "thank you," "you're welcome," or a "please, come again." Actually I was supposed to come back for a check up. Yeah, right. I went home to my apartment, took my pain pills and slept the day away. I headed up to see Pat at college that weekend. I clung to him for dear life. I made him promise me that I would have more babies. Promise me. Say it out loud. He did with a very confused look on his face. Poor guy.
One would think that there might be classes offered after an abortion. Getting On With Your Life 101. Make The Nightmares Stop for Beginners. I could not shake the uneasiness I was feeling. An anxiety that drove me to be constantly on the move. I was a substitute teacher from 8-3pm and then worked at a group home from 3:30-10:30pm. EVERYDAY! If I sat still long enough I might start thinking and that would not be good. I drank, I ate too much or too little and exercised obsessively. I began to hate myself, hate my body. A self-loathing that drove me to desperate thoughts of suicide and one suicide attempt. I became depressed and oh, so angry. I was one angry, hurting woman. I wore shame like a wet blanket. I declared myself to be pro-choice. I had one, so that made it right, right?! I would see those billboards for Prolife MN with cute babies and I would swear and flip it off and seethe. There is a name for all of that behavior. It's called denial. A woman who has an abortion will stay in denial for 7-9 years. By then, careers have changed, a husband found, a family is started, a baby is wanted. The bricks that you have used in the wall to protect yourself start to crumble. The lies you believed unravel when replaced with truth.
Patrick Stream and I were married. We started trying to have a baby. We were thrilled to our toes when the pregnancy test revealed that we were indeed pregnant!
Being Real 5
3 comments:
Where was Pat with all of this? It sounds like he really cared about you right off the bat. Tell us more about how you decided to get married? Were you happy? Was the wedding wonderful? Was newlywed life good?
I was 21 and I was really, really...and I really mean really, into myself. We had known each other for about 2 months. Carla was different than any woman I ever met, I did love her right away and wanted to pursue a long term relationship. I selfishly thought of my future with Carla and not her present crisis. I was looking ahead and was blind to what she was going through - even though I supported her after she had the abortion. I do regret not saying anything to her and I am saddened by my immaturity. I believed more in the lie of abortion being an issue of a woman's personal choice.
I love your honesty and openness in these posts. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I'm so glad you had (and still have!) Pat to help you. He's a keeper! But, I don't need to tell you that, do I?
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