Caution: This will be terribly unfunny, gentle readers. As you may have guessed, I use humor to cope. I am not coping well at this point.
Life is not fair. Duh. Life is hard. Things happen that are completely out of our hands, out of our control and the struggle in my life is to NOT pull back from those I love, to NOT retreat and to NOT give up, when every fiber of my being wants to. I want to run away and hide and cry endless tears of anguish and lament at how helpless I feel right now. I am in the midst of my pain. I don't want to be here. I didn't choose it. It has happened and I must walk through it, and learn from it and keep it from destroying me. It is through the "stuff" of life that I realize how ill-equipped I really am to cope. I guess I could turn to drugs or alcohol or food, which people use to NOT feel the pain. Those are not choices for me. I am left feeling like a 40 year old toddler. I want to have a good ol fashioned temper tantrum. Those adults in my life who were to nurture me and teach me just what love is and just how to trust...did not do their job. I struggle on a daily basis to try and make sense of what simply does not make sense. Gee, I must be human.
I seek an oasis in this desert of despair. I am walking through the valley once again, it is oh so familiar and somewhat comforting to know this place. I long for peace. Even though I am on my knees asking WHY, I seek calm in this storm.
I will sort out my feelings and sift through my emotions and come to conclusions based on past experience and it all will lead to wisdom. Fine. How wise must I be?
I will run into the arms of The One. The One who meets me in my pain and comforts me in my sorrow and has NEVER left me. He is in anguish over my anguish and that is enough for me to know right now. Enough for me to cling to. I will cling, people. With my pinky toenails I will be clinging to Truth. Please pray for me and my little family.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1
3 comments:
Amen. I'm with you sister. Press on and we'll hold each other up in prayer. Praise God for His faithfulness in always comforting us and bringing us through. Nothing can rob us of our eternal joy and rest! Cling to Him-He loves you so much!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers Carla.
We are here for you Pat and Carla, through all this crapola. I am so proud of how you and Pat have handled this so far. Keep praying, crying, and plugging. We love you.
Thank you friends!
Someday I hope I hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
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